I'm here again

It's almost four years since the last time I put anything on this audience-less corner of the internet. It's 5.28 am in the morning, I didn't sleep all night because my sleep cycle has somehow inverted at the beginning of the week. The sky has turned blue and I can spy from the windows in my room a cargo ship docked across the channel at one of the ports near Shinagawa.

I have been hit with a pang, I'm not sure if it is the correct way of using this word, of nostalgia recently. I went through my old diaries the other day and felt a kind of unfamiliarity with my old self. I discovered a certain hint of excitement in my old writings that I am sure I have incredible difficulties in reproducing now. So there were some pages in the diary describing my activity as an organizer during some sort of a student body election in ITB back then. I can easily decipher from the writing how I felt for a certain candidate back then or my feelings about each of the event within the election process. These kinds of writings, where I can easily tell whether I had a positive or a negative experience, have somehow disappeared from recent diaries.

Does this simply indicate me growing old? Or maybe I've had my share of talking about my feelings with people, that I lost the need to write them in minute details? 

Anyhow, stumbling upon this blog again could be a sign for me to rediscover that old feeling of excitement.

おそらく。

Kurasi (dari jurnal kualitas rendah saya)

Walau tak sendiri, tapi ibarat terdampar. Terkurung, tapi oleh batas yang tak tampak. Padahal ramai, tapi tidak sepatah suarapun tak terdengar asing. Terjebak dalam arus manusia yang masuk, menetap lalu keluar menembus garis-garis yang tak tampak tadi, sedang diri sendiri terus tak berubah, bagai segunduk endapan di tengah muara yang sekalipun dibatasi gerakan tidak sekalipun melaju.

Sudah sepuluh jam kurang lebih, setengah di antaranya tidak seharusnya terjadi. Kantuk telah datang dan pergi, langit mendung beralih dari terang ke gelap-gelapan, sampai-sampai udara dalam ruang tunggu perlahan terasa berat. Aku letih melepas pasang sepatu, aku letih dengan meninggalkan kursi demi melepas ketegangan di bawah perut. Aku lelah dengan puluhan pengumuman yang satupun tidak memberi keterangan lebih lanjut. Hanya perintah implisit untuk terus menunggu, terus menunggu.

Ingin hati melakukan hal yang berbeda, sayang kepala menolak dan tubuh hanya ingin diletak.